im six kinds of drunk right now
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
