oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
