this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
