Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
