everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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