I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
