everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i think my cat just said my name.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
