I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize