I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
True strength comes from lack of pants
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
