i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
