he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
