just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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