Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
