Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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