i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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