Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
