A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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