im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
