I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize