hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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