i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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