What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My balls are so social today.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
