i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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