??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
