it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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