My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
