The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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