I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
