need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
