I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
