I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
