did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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