No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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