just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
