So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
