i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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