Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
