I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
