Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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