i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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