That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
