worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
