Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think i have two assholes
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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