Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize