Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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