my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
