Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
