I hate all girls vehemently.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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