Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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