If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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