U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
