I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
