Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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