Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You smell like stripper and shame
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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