I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
